capncrazylegs

I feel like I haven't given enough credit to the happy side of my writing. Possibly due to the dark aura that's been traveling with me for the past 2 or 3 years of my life; sometimes visible, other times not, always there. Though here goes a shot at the sun shine, rainbows, and unicorns.
Wouldn't you like to think my whole writing would be about rainbows and unicorns, trust me I got myself excited as well. Actually it's just something I have to note the world on, with some sort of portable stickable note, possibly yellow. Life is pain, I know really happy, but it's true there's a quote out there that I've seen around a couple times that does say, "Perhaps the art of life is the art of avoiding pain". Avoiding pain, I realize the quote has a deeper meaning that emphasizes that we should in fact enjoy life more then avoiding pain and what, blah blah, squibble squabble; But! I think we all really do focus on avoiding pain in life, now more then ever, whether it be in an election in hope that our economy is hurt, or our nation for that matter. Maybe something smaller though, like a "soul mate" to spend the rest of your life with in hopes that person will not end up hurting you in the long run. If I had it my way, I would give everyone those blinders that horses have to not frighten them of things to come. Animal cruelty you say? Have you taken a look at those horses, they could run away at anytime, but they walk forward with no fear of whats behind them that's coming up. Don't you wish you had that strength? What if I told you, you did? You would probably laugh and say things aren't that easy. God if I had a nickle for every time someone has said that to me in my life. What -isn't- easy in life? Do you think life is just going to hand you things? (Well sometimes, but lets not make things too complicated.) Of course not, you have to work for things, but who says it all has to be sweat and tears, what happened to those 80's clean up montages(Brian will give me the spelling on this one)! Everyone seems to have fun in those, I'm sure it's not that hard to mimic!
I guess what I'm trying to convey in this, is to go out there and try something new, or talk to someone new. Even a homeless guy! (Unless he smells bad I guess.) Break a leg and tell people at a party about how it happened! Sure it's hurts when it happens, but people sign your cast afterwords right? It's an experience you can't trade in or mimic, you have to face it yourself, and you will become stronger no matter what! (And your bones too!..Don't break too many though..) If you let it keep you down though, you will stay down, and the stories will stop, and less and less chances of happiness will come knocking at your door. It does happen to! I've seen it, so don't argue with me there, I've seen a lot of things in my time! Some good, some bad, most things I wouldn't trade for anything in the world, like the friends I have, and my family.

"So I can't dream of yesterday
And everything I see remembers who you were
The day that you were gone from me
And I can't find the words to say
Shouldn't it be easier than this
So much easier than this for me"

Big fat plate of lyrics for ya! Good stuff man!

You're hideous. And Sexxy!

Yah, I got a spinal tap so what? Here's to waiting for my results. :x

Spiral, spiral, twist, turn, fight, float, forever. The way we send these auras to the vast beyond and never to be held again. They keep fighting, up and up, until something stops this stream of unknowings. Though the force that stops it, has no idea of the strength and determination of this aura of mystery, just that it's there, and in it's way. It's all a fight in the end, and a fight for ones happiness, enjoyment, enjoying the ending of ones happiness even. These twirling streaming placements, lead us into something we could never understand, just the understanding that it has to be somewhere it's led. Led by other unknown sources on their own path to glory, a sense of belonging. Until something inside says, this is alright, this is the end, you may rest. We never know though, until it happens. When it happens though, will that force stay strong and keep fighting it's way until the force decides it's time, or will he take the unknowing advice of a stranger. When can we take in the difference of light and dark, happy and sad, knowing and unknowing? Perhaps until we keep telling ourselves the same things over and over to ourselves to keep us at bay. A strong say in our mind, body, and soul, is all we feel that is necessary. So forever will you keep floating? Will you fight the unknown senses and turn to the way of your convictions? Will you twist your head around the clinging feelings of self understanding? Just keep spiraling little aura, keep spiraling until you feel it is your way that has been made, and not the unknowings of an unknown stranger.

Sara Hebden I hope you feel better kiddo! Stay strong you fighta!

I don't really have much floating around in my head at the moment. Though, for some reason I feel the need to write! Possibly about, all the times I've been hurt, or smiled, or the experiences I've had in life! Actually nah, that's all been said and done. Though it would be kind of interesting if I could actually grab your minds and drift them into my thought process for a couple of moments. Maybe get a feel for how I think things through? Hmm, like how when I know that I need help, and my body is telling me to ask someone for it, anyone; though all I really do is keep a straight face and breathe telling myself everything is fine, it's just my head getting nervous with thoughts. Not that this has actually happened, or that I'm secretly trying to plea for help via livejournal, no, no. Just myself, talking, writing, thinking. Thinking of all the weird things, habbits even, that people have when it comes to avoiding things that we were brought up to believe as good things. Things that perfectly normal to follow. Though as we get older our minds change thought patterns, and we decide maybe we would enjoy a walk down the path of, "evil, corruption, sin!" Do not be deceived though, this entry still isn't accusing anyone, I'm am not a religious freak, nor do I ridecule people for whatever tickles their fancy. Nope, just writing, hoping maybe to get people to think like myself maybe? Because for some reason, I think that my style of thinking, is the best in the world! When my style of thinking, immediatly tells me, that way of thinking is completely ignorant and there is bound to be someone better at me then thinking, and someone even better then that person! Minds are a very complex concept to understand. Trying to understand a mind, is like thinking out into outerspace trying to strain every lobe in your brain to even grasp the idea of life outside of that dark starry picture. When after a while all it does is give you a weird sensation in your mind and immediatly backs you out of it for your own safety. So keep thinking my friends, I hope to understand, though I probably never will, every possibly way of thinking! I don't know why, I just know that thinking is a great thing, though when you think, don't forget to speak, or else, who are you ever going to talk to about these amazing thoughts?

Why we gotta play the hate game? Why can't everyone just totally get along ya know? Guess that's just the way life rolls! I know I've got a couple problems, but doesn't everybody? Everybody has a past, you can't just be placed to decide who's a bad person just because you haven't done something bad in the same general area. Or maybe you have, but you realize your mistakes, but haven't told anyone so you try to look like the bigger man so people can just jump over befriending that person (possibly even trying to steal friends by revealing these fictions or nonfictions) and go straight to the purely cleansed you? Just live, love, life guys. It's actually totally not that hard. Unless you have a hard time loving, which involves a relationship of any kind (or else you are a stalker of some sort..) which also involves a give and take relationship no matter how you look at it, which in the last turning point involves the giving of anything to make that person happy (which is an easy thing to do if you are this big strong person) and opening up and accepting help. Taking in other words, taking the advice of others, the friendly ridicule, the anything that involves opening up the side of you that's most afraid of being hurt. So we keep it shielded, for what reason? So we can never actually be fully read by anyone, when that's what you really want anyways, just for someone to know how you think, why you think. Though as soon as they do you know they got through the wall, so you back off a bit hoping they give up and you're now back to what? No one to keep close as times go by, to share your pain when need be? What kind of living is that? It's not being alive at all! Only just enough to not feel pain, when pain is a part of life! Things happen, people deceive, wars start, people die, back stab, fight, kiss, love, everything they can to feel like they lived life with memories to go back to.

So when you have kids next to you on your deathbed (which most likely won't happen if you didn't open up that wall and let people live life with you) you can say to them, "Just live life, love! Oh, and don't forget to smile!

This is totally a better way to save my writing. Which I'll probably be doing more of, I just love it!

I'm just gunna write randomly here! I've gone through my old entries and realized I have some very insightful things to give through writing, so yeah! I like it!

Ever go through a bunch of old pictures, watching all the familiar faces and times once past? There's that immediate feeling of awe and happiness. For most people anyways. Then, if you really get into those pictures, maybe even kick it off and decide to rummage around old journal sites once posted on frequently over the years. Then the despair sets in, not a sad despair if you catch my drift, but that stitch in your stomach that no matter what you do, you'll never be able to get it out. What about crossing old loves, real strong loves, millions of memories loves? Ah, then just maybe that lock box, if i may, starts to open up slightly. Though you know, if it open's up, there's no backing out. You're going to be stuck with that feeling for a good long time, but we pursue it. It's mad we all know, but maybe in some sick sense, you want to feel that love again slightly, for the price of the equal and more pain that came from it! This lock box, however, is a very tricky thing. It can deceive you, almost picking up your soul and consciousness, and bringing it back however many years to whatever it is you loved; Home, Woman, Man, Family, you name it. If you can really get into it, you can relive moments, whichever ones you choose too! Though what happens immediately after? Your soul is ripped out, and jammed back into your current self. You realize that either you are happy now and that was nice, or you can realize that everything back then was better and there are so many times and places in which you could just warn yourself; don't do this, or don't think that way! We never can though, and our minds will only be limited to what's presented, though we can't see it, in the future. Then the lock box closes, done with it's dead. Who do you turn to? A friend, parents, maybe a new loved one? Or will you keep that lock box still hidden and never share with anyone the pain and happiness from the times once traversed? If you don't want to ruin what you have become, trust someone, have someone share what you're feeling. Someone will, you just need to find the right person, and you will know. If you don't have the right person, then find him/her! Relationships of any kind take time, work, and dedication. They don't just happen, friends just happen. It's when those friends want to be there more, a bigger place in your life. Maybe be kept inside that lock box of emotions, but hopefully this time when it opens up you'll be looking at that persons photos, with that person. That's a relationship no one can break if you wish it. Remember that pain is real, it doesn't stop or wait, and it's always in full effect and when you could probably just do without it! Think this though, this pain doesn't have to be indulged alone, there will always be someone if you make it so, you have to be willing to give, and have people give to you! That is the way to a peaceful relationship, and in turn a peaceful life in the long run! If only more people lived by it.

I would love to move someone with this entry, and that would be awesome, though I don't expect it, I don't even expect half the people to read this. I just need to at least feel like I said something, because I'm in that kind of mood and making realizations of what I've done wrong in that past in so many ways. You'd probably understand by my writing! Hah! If you did read this whole thing, I hope you enjoyed it!

You can still look up!

My heart hurts a lot.



=)

A Very happy birthday to a Heather Ann Sewellllllllll!!!! Hope it's filled with all that birthday stufffffff..


(it's good to have a computer again on a little side note! =) )

I'm such a fucking fucking fuck.

I'm never going to fucking win. This sucks. I feel like I'm going to throw up/heart stops/break down and run in front of a car at the same time. Maybe I'll just go smoke the whole pack of ciggerettes I just bought. Yeah, hopefully then I just get cancer and then I'll have a reason to kill myself, cause I'm not gunna live with cancer. Anyways, that's my emo entry, I'm gunna go be miserable now.

I'm sick of this fucking, one way, one street, life. I want something to happen, and slowly but surely I guess it is. Music, really is the only thing that makes sense anymore. And I'm going to focus on it, more then I have ever done before, which is an understatement because I can't go anywhere without my ipod in my pocket ready to rock out to anything at a moment's notice. Everybody needs to make it easy. People say it's hard, and that there is no way to really, "make it easy", but that is false. At the lowest I've been in my life, the suckiest mood, and I'll admit even hurt and defeated, I still feel like everything can look up and be easy. I want to enjoy life now, there's only a month or two left of highschool, plus the college course I have to make up for chemistry, and the fact that I might have to move out in a week, and my car insurance bill of 310 due on the 10th, and my lack of gas money because they haven't given me hours yet at my new job, but I will smile, tread on, and sing; because really, what else is there to do? When all is lost, and you have nothing, music is the one thing that is always there, even if you just sexually assaulted a 9 year old, maybe even your daughter, some sick, demented, moron can still sit down even by a record player, and spin on a old Aerosmith album and relax till the cops drag you away. I know that more then ever now, I can really count in one hand, the people I still fully trust with everything in myself. Which isn't much left, but I'm going to bring the best out of me. Even if my soul feels shattered, I'll sing it back in place, heartbroken, I'll bandage it up with a few chord strums. I may have lost a shit load of battles these past months, but goddamnit, I will win this war if it takes everything in me. There's so much drama in this world, I guess the point of this entry is, sometimes, you just have to do, what you have to do; no matter what other people are going to say about you, or do about it, you just have to take it, stick out your chest, put your chin up, and say, "Easy". Even when it's not.

I feel like I want to write so much more, but I think that's really all I have to say for the time being. And I wish everything could be easier for you, and I'll try and make it so..Even if it kills me.

On a side note, Matt O'Rourke and myself had a magical experience jamming the other day, and we came up with what could possibly be a really amazing song, maybe I will post it here if any of you care and request that I do. When it's finished that is. We are talking band forming too so that should be cool. That is all from my world I guess, Hopefully I didn't waste too much of your time.

I would love to tell you everything inside of it. But it would probably be impossible.

Hmm, get better life? Lil bit please? Some things are really good I guess. I am very thankful my friends and stuff are there, but theres so much more that I need to do with my life, and it gets harder everyday.. I don't know what else to write, my mind is slipping today and I just needed to talk to something. I dunno, words, blah, feelings, all of the above, and you have a livejournal entry. <3

...

So, a certain thing(s) is keeping me content and happy, but I will leave things out and nameless for the time being. Most of you know anyways. Other things seem to be up and down, up and down, but then again, what in my life isn't like that usually? I try to write and read as much as I can it seems to help me think and such.
Saturday night was killer, naht. I went to the super smash brothers brawl competition, and I got second, I should have got first. It was a stupid win and blah blah, every time I talk about it, it stings. Maybe I will enter more competitions in the future. As long as heather keeps her fingers crossed this time! Jeez.. =)

Anyways, I can't tell the future, so I'm really anxious to see what's going to happen with my life in the next month or so, I hope for a lot of things, which I probably shouldn't do because my hopes are usually crushed and it just sucks; so I'm just used to not hoping? I just have to be myself I suppose and be my old optimistic self and help people. My usual thing that usually gained me no benefits but it did make me happy. To an extent.. I just hope life takes it easy on me for once and give me the two simple pleasures I pray for desperately. I don't pray, it's really just a figure of speech for me, haha. There IS NO GOD. =O Hah, kiddin, think what you want about religion I s'pose! Anyways, I suppose that's it for now. I'll keep you guys updated I hope.

Life can .always. get worse. Always.

I think I'll post, and do random paint thingys sometimes! :D. Update more later! Enjoy!